Odes to the soft stuff

TO ICED TEA

Shall I compare tea to a summer's day?

Thy color of amber, thy taste of leaves,

Thy sparkling crystal, resting on a tray,

Transports my palate as if stolen by thieves.

Some suggest thine flavor superior served hot

Yet near the equator, which temp more rare?

Mixed and dubbed a golfer, a tragic lot,

Number one on the Threatdown? Bear.

Frankly, that last line didn't make sense;

I'm getting desperate late in the game.

In tea-brown waters, 'twould I happily rinse,

Rub with lemon and honor your name.

Tea, the beverage that is also a letter

After a dip in the pool, little tastes better.

TO APPLE JUICE

Ah, sweet bountiful nectar, you've coaxed me through so much. There is no better drink to accompany a big, greasy, hungover breakfast than a tall glass of apple juice. Forget the urine-esque color, the kiddie connotations, the carbohydrate onslaught. Instead, consider apple juice's utter timelessness. It's sweet, but not too sweet like grape drink. It's smooth, much more so than even a pulp-free OJ. It's rich, but not so rich as to hide the flavor of your bacon and eggs. It is, in short, perfect.

TO DRAFT ROOT BEER

Ever notice how a fountain soda is better than the can? It just tastes more fresh, more authentic, more pure. Sure, that may be due to an increase in syrup or the sheer delight of drinking from a 92-ounce cup, but the ultimate soda takes fountain drinks to the next level: Draft root beer is simply the best beverage around. Hearty and ideally served in a frosty mug, real root beer is a meal unto itself. The sugary-sweetness fades away, as does the heavy carbonation, leaving only the rich tang of sarsaparilla on your tongue. Scrumptious.

TO POMEGRANATE

I know it's trendy, but unlike skin-tight pants and faux-hawks, the recent infusion of pomegranate-everything into our daily lives doesn't make me want to curl up into a ball. Not only is it good for you (antioxidants, ho!), but the stuff just jumps in your mouth. Best with iced tea, pomegranate juice stands up on its own and is being introduced at bars around the country. Keep it a delicacy though -- get addicted and you'll start missing car payments.

TO RED BULL

The commercials say that Red Bull gives you wings. Metaphorical ad-copy aside, what the Bull really gives you is about three more hours to the evening. They should call it "a nap in a can," because 10 minutes after drinking one (usually in about 3 giant gulps), I'm wide awake and ready for adventure. I'm pretty sure that Red Bull is slowly eating me from the inside, but do I care? Not one bit. Something has to keep me awake, and it's cheaper and easier to get than cocaine.

TO DIET COKE

DC was introduced the same year I was born, and, to quote 98 Degrees, has been "my everything" for as long as I can remember. Academic elixir of my life, aspartame of my loins, the drink has kept me buzzing through many a late and stressful night. Where regular Coke has always struck me as more dire than delectable, Diet Coke is less sweet, its almost salty flavor the perfect complement to all-nighters, cigarettes and indigestion. Of course, the chemical makeup comes at a price -- it's toxic stuff, they say. No matter: Danger is what intoxicated me in the first place, and danger is what will keep me and my Diet Coke forever linked. United we stain.

– CL Staff 

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