DU-Don't

Choosing to not drink and drive does not have to unravel like an afterschool special. Your options have come a long way since calling Mom, a taxi or your Mormon friend David. There are ways to safely get your drunken ass home — none of which include, as one reader recommended, driving with one hand over your eye to eliminate seeing double.

Swill and stay home

Invite your friends over for Scrabble and whiskey sours. Your living room is not just a place to fanatically watch Lost -- those end tables you got from Goodwill so many apartments ago make delightful mixing posts. Too cerebral you say? Go ahead and invite your friends anyway. Watch Lost and pound Natty Ice during the commercials, then tell everyone that if they spend the night you'll make them Belgian waffles in the morning.

Move next door to the bar

Rent an apartment in downtown Sarasota. If, by the grace of God, you're blessed enough to afford an $850,000 condo, purchase one and walk to The Tavern on a Thursday night to sing karaoke. Come closing time, saunter home and fall asleep to Cosby Show reruns and feel good about your decision to move to Laurel Park.

Booze and snooze

Alright, so you don't live downtown. Your pad is way east of I-75 and you're trashed at The Gator Club, as are all your friends. Good news: The Gator Club has a couch. Take a nap until the lights come on and big dudes with gym-bodies and crew cuts kick you out. Same plan works at Selva Grill on Main Street and Club Blu on Siesta Key. They too have couches -- suede ones in VIP lounges -- so you should have relative peace and quiet.

Bribery

A last ditch effort, sure, but a solid option. Convince a friend to drive you to the Cock & Bull Pub every Friday night for a month by offering to pay her Comcast bill. When the month is through, hit up a new friend. On the flipside, let's say you're the sober one (yes, it happens) and you find yourself having the parental talk with a slurring, spitting, insisting-on-driving, Red Bull and vodka-addled friend. Bribe him. This is tried and true advice. A good friend of mine constantly finds himself in such situations with his foolhardy pals. His advice is to promise The Lush more booze at the gas station up the road or a Digiorno back at his place. Dangle a 40-ounce Miller High Life in front of the drunkard's face and presto! -- you're the keeper of the keys.

Bike it

Pump up your bicycle tires, decorate your helmet with D.A.R.E stickers and pedal to the pub. Remember which post you chained your Schwinn to and pedal home. Avoid hairy thoroughfares such as 301, Fruitville and Clark. Better yet, bike to your neighborhood bar. But watch out: Under Florida law, a motor vehicle is defined as any self-propelled vehicle, including a bicycle, motorized scooter or an assistive mobility device. So yes, technically it is possible to get a DUI on a bike. In fact, one St. Petersburg woman was arrested after her motorized wheelchair jumped the curb in her driveway and collided with a vehicle traveling 30 mph.

It's a slippery slope, I know. Some people claim to have developed ways in which to drive "tipsy" with ease and grace, poise and practice (see above: how to drive without seeing double.) All of these are preposterous recommendations. Use your head, your imagination or just call a cab.

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