Cop talk

As journalists, we get real sick of the standard drone that comes from agency spokespersons. Many organizations won't let you talk to anyone else, and when you call asking for comment on this or that, they'll give you statements so watered down that they just sound like gentle cooing noises.

That's why forums.leoaffairs.com, "The Voice of Law Enforcement Online," is a goldmine.

The privately owned site allows police officers to discuss their work anonymously. In the threads for the Sarasota Police Department and the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office, posters who tag themselves as staff members are candid, ballsy and often hot-tempered. Granted, we can't be sure that they're all actual sheriff's deputies or police officers, but their cop-speak and their inside knowledge would be hard to imitate. And who would bother?

The site serves agencies throughout the country, and the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office forum contains more topics than any other. When we saw how much griping went on, we thought of the candidates vying for county sheriff.

In interviews last month, three of the four told us the department has woefully low morale. The one who didn't say so, Chief Deputy Larry Dunklee, is the only candidate now working in the sheriff's office. Users refer to him alternately as "Dunk," "Dinklee," "Drunklee" and "Dunk the Skunk."

Other topics the candidates discussed, such as jail overcrowding and rising crime, are batted about with an insider's disgust on the forums. Users often identify themselves by positions or policing districts, but one handle can be used by several posters.

Lieutenant Chuck Lesaltato, a sheriff's office spokesman, said there's no way to be certain whether users on the forum are actual sheriff's deputies. He added, "If people have a complaint about something, they can go to their supervisor or something. Why would they put it on a message board?"

We'll let you decide. Whoever they are, here's what we were able to discern about the forum users.

They know this town like you don't

"Ma'am if you had any idea what goes on around you in the City of Sarasota you'd never leave your house," wrote a user claiming to be with Sarasota Police. He or she was replying to a "local mother" who criticized the department for conducting a dinnertime drug raid at McDonald's earlier this month.

In the same thread, "SPD SOUTH" typed: "GO HOME LOCK YOUR DOORS AND LOAD YOUR GUN BECAUSE THE ODDS OF YOU HAVING A HOME INVASION, OR YOUR CAR BEING STOLEN HAVE JUST GONE UP AND THERE ARE NO COPS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE CITY NEEDS A F-IN BASEBALL TEAM. ... WE DONT HAVE THE TIME OR THE RESOURCES TO WORK THESE CALLS BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID."

In a July county sheriff's thread titled "Siesta life," a poster wrote that the sheriff allocates more resources to wealthier areas of the county.

The original poster in the thread tacked up an e-mail exchange between Sgt. Scott Osbourne, County Commissioner Nora Patterson and the president of the Siesta Key Association. The latter two express concerns about crime on the key.

Later in the thread, user "SSO" writes: "Siesta Key is only 3% of the county's population, but they bring in over 10% of all the county's taxes, so Siesta Key is a politically sensitive area that we have to give special attention to. That's why we have a special Siesta Key community policing unit that is dedicated to the Key full-time."

User "Siesta Key" seconded that statement several posts down: "What you have to understand is that people of Siesta Key run this County. ... We decide how many deputies we have working here protecting our assets that we have worked so hard for. ... The politicians count on our contributions and our support to get elected. Such is the reality of life."

They're not terribly sensitive

Besides at least one homophobic statement and some gay-exploitive humor in an images thread, sheriff's office posters didn't show the kind of bigotry that their kind are stereotyped with. But we did find real disdain for certain citizens in a May thread about graffiti.

Posters had been cheering the recent arrest of some taggers when a concerned citizen posted in the artists' defense, saying that the poor classes have been marginalized in Sarasota and the city might give them a graffiti wall or other outlet for their creativity. Until then, the writer said, taggers will "have the last laugh."

"Nope, the graffitti artists do NOT have the last laugh," writes user "SSO." "I've found'em dead before. They usually die young from stupidity or drugs or both. So as I stand there looking down at their cold-n-stiff corpse, who has the last laugh?"

Another post stated that if the writer had made the arrests, the graffiti artists would have needed a hospital trip to "remove [his] flashlight from [their] rectums."

They don't sugarcoat

Users bemoan corruption and poor conditions at the county jail, and the facility is discussed as a place where you put in your time as a cop. Poster "FRONT DESK" writes: "I have spent over 10 years in that filthy disease riddled human warehouse. The jail is nothing but a cash cow for the sheriff picking and shaving county money designated for the warehouse and putting it in patrol."

Follow-up posters explained that the sheriff can ask the County Commission for money to work on the jail and then repurpose it elsewhere. In a later thread, about a wrongful-arrest lawsuit filed by citizens, we find more self-deprecation.

"The fact is that there are unnecessary and illegal arrests made in this agency as well as others," wrote user "DS3" (possibly abbreviating "district three"). "Hiding from that fact only perpetuates the ignorance. ... A good officer knows the limits of consensual encounters."

They’re wacky

There’s something mind-bending about seeing county sheriff’s officers absorbed into the culture of Internet forums. Their posts are peppered with emoticons and “LOL”s, gifs and Photoshopped pictures.

In the thread “SRQ anthem,” users make up lyrics about the candidates for sheriff, to the tunes of songs like “ABC” by The Jackson Five.

There’s a long series of postings about the trend of fat-gutted command officers. Users joke, in a thread about pay toilets, about urinating on Sheriff Bill Balkwill’s Chevy Tahoe.

In the sheriff’s office thread, it seems that an Sarasota Police officer poked his head in to ask the county department for help. “CAN SOMEONE TELL ME SILL’S FIRST NAME, THE GIRL AT THE JAIL?” asked “spd guest.” “SSO NITES” replied “Let it go or better yet … ask her husband!”

Here’s an anecdote, one of many, from a poster who wanted to share some of his DUI experiences: “A very skanky dressed female drunk, standing at the Intoxilyzer & being given instructions in how to give a proper sample. I'm holding the breath tube, with the mouthpiece installed.

“She says, ‘So this is the opposite of what I normally do. I blow OUT, not suck IN, right?’ Trying to hide a smirk, I tell her, ‘Yes, you must blow into the mouthpiece’. She says, ‘Well, it's not like I'm a slut or anything, I'm just asking’.

“She licks her lips, and tries to 'deepthroat' the entire mouthpiece and breath tube. (She ended up being a refusal, because she kept playing games)”

When it comes to their future sheriff, they’re okay with negative campaigning

Coming from the highway patrol, forum users write, Tom Knight is in over his head. David Gustafson can’t even handle “hippies at New College.” And Curt Lavarello, the only democrat in the race for county sheriff, is a “complete liberal.” But Dunklee, the current chief deputy, gets it the worst. They post pictures of a fat, rotten-toothed man grinning in an easy chair to illustrate their comments about him. They accuse him of sloth, nepotism and corruption.

Every poster who slams a candidate most likely has an agenda, so we won’t reproduce any of their mudslinging. Indeed, when a user defends some of the office’s activities or posts a political rant, others accuse that user of hiding “his” identity. “Nice post, Dunk,” they write, or “Good try, T.K.”

So we’ll leave you with this post from the thread “SRQ anthem,” in which “Top Brass Alert” critiques a post from “rain means worms.” “LD” is an abbreviation for Larry Dunklee.

rain means worms wrote: Again....yo cannot rhyme or write a song. Its almost as if you just project things from your mouth without any logic or truth...WAIT....your a GUSTAFSON SUPPORTER so that must be the case...after all, its your campaign strategy !!!  The song continues...... My brother in law from Brevard...plans to retire and work for me...a tard....little does he know i will not win for it smoke that i blow....no truth can be heard so full of crap i must be a terd........ABG 1,2,3 you and me....between coppola and evans it wont be the heavens but the end of a broken 3 attempt road ............ and the song continues.

You are a loser and have way too much time on your hands. Your probably one of the blown up brassers kissing up to LD doing nothing but cashing a fat check. Enjoy it while it lasts Jungle Gardens needs a bird trainer you would fit right in.